Chris Finally Succeeds with a Contestant
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: Chris decides he wants to make out with one of the contestants but so far he's had no luck. However, can he bribe Courtney? I warn you though: this fic is disturbing and the ending may leave you in a state of utter shock.


**This was suggested to me by I'll Cover Angel and Collins. Normally, I write femslash and occasionally slash instead of heterosexual pairings, but I've decided to write this for laughs. Enjoy!**

**If I owned _Total Drama_; I would have Gwen kiss Courtney instead of Duncan in _I See London…_**

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Chris Finally Succeeds with a Contestant

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Chris, Chef and all of the contestants were hanging out at Playa des Losers before the fifth season commenced. One night, Chris was lonely. So he went over to Chef's bedroom and knocked on his door.

"Life, why do you hate me so much?!" groaned Noah, as he stomped out of Chef's room.

"Whoa, what were you doing in Chef's room Noah?" Chris asked.

"Experiencing red hot Catholic love if Chef was a priest," sneered Noah. Chris stuck his head in Chef's room to see the cook lying naked on his bed and asked:

"What happened?"

"I shifted the scrawny kid," Chef replied. "I told him I loved literature to get him to come over and when he did, I gave him a lap dance and I made him return the favour. Then we shifted, though the ingrate didn't appreciate it and he left."

"Hmm," said Chris, "maybe I should shag a contestant."

"Go ahead," said Chef. Then he scowled. "But don't even think about Noah, Brick, DJ or Justin! They're mine!" he snarled. Chris shrugged and left the room, closing the door behind him. There were still thirty-four other contestants to bang so Chris didn't care that four contestants were off-limits. Then he saw Sierra banging on Cody's door, screaming:

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, MY CODY BUNNY! LET ME IN SO I CAN RIDE YOU!" No response came from inside Cody's room. Sierra growled as she whipped out a hatchet and proceeded to axe down the door. Chris shuddered and backed away, realising now that his options have been narrowed down to thirty-two. By the time Chris left, there was a hole on the door big enough for Sierra to stick her head in and yell "HEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S SIERRA!" causing Cody to wet his pants.

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Unfortunately, there were many more unavailable contestants. Bridgette and Geoff, who got married during the last season, were too busy minding their new born baby to have sex with Chris. Izzy would not let Chris join her orgy with Katie, Sadie, Staci and a drunken Blaineley. Jo had Lightning locked in a cage as punishment for mistaking him for a guy. She was too busy teasing Lightning and relishing in his ordeal to have coitus with Chris. LeShawna was beating up Mike because Vito said he always wanted to f*** a black bitch. Zoey would intervene, but Lindsay drugged her. You see, Lindsay mistook Zoey for Tyler and was cheesed off that "Tyler" would cheat on her with Mike, so she punished Zoey by drugging her and tying her up in her closet. Speaking of which, Tyler, in an attempt to get his basketball through the hoop, managed to defy to laws of physics and propel into space.

Scott was recently gobbled up by Fang and Owen was too busy grieving over eating Alejandro, Beth, Cameron and Sam. Speaking of which, Heather was trying in vain to kill Owen for eating Alejandro. In her last attempt to kill Owen, Heather had a giant rock catapulted to Owen but this backfired and Heather was crushed by the rock. Dakota decided to use her Dakotazoid powers to kill Owen. But just as she was about to pounce on Owen, the Canadian military showed up and took Dakota away, along with Eva, so they could use them to invade Alaska.

Chris decided not to shift Anne Maria because she liked One Direction; B because Chris knew he'd never say his name during intercourse; Ezekiel because he bit Chris; Trent because Trent would only do it if Chris agreed to make out with him nine times a day for nine days; and Harold because he was, well, Harold. So Chris decided to ask Dawn if she was interested. Sadly, Dawn was a witch, which explained why she could read minds. She was cooking some of the interns alive in a pot of boiling hot water so she could eat them up. Chris decided against it because Dawn's cackling was creeping him out. He decided to have a threesome with Gwen and Duncan.

Chris knocked on Duncan's bedroom door. When there was no response, Chris used his key open the door. However, when he entered, he saw Gwen exchanging blood with Duncan. She was turning Duncan into a vampire like her. Not wanting to be the first person to lose blood to the couple, Chris fled the scene before they noticed him. As he ran, he bumped into Courtney, who had a stake in her hand.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, ASSHOLE!" screamed Courtney.

"Sorry, but Gwen and Duncan are vampires, and I HATE vampires!" he replied.

"I know," said Courtney. "That's why I'm going to kill Gwen with this stake. Then Duncan will no longer be a vampire, and out of depression, he will kill himself!"

"Forget them," Chris told the CIT. "Even though I hate vampires, having vampires on the show will bring the ratings."

"But I want to kill Gwen!" Courtney protested. "I AM A CIT!"

"But if you have sex with me, I'll give you half the winnings if you don't win in the next season," Chris told her.

"Really?" asked Courtney.

"Yeah," said Chris. "I was going to give two million dollars to the winner of Season Five, but instead I decided to give him or her only a million and give the other million to you, or two million to you if you win. All you have to do is let me shift you."

"I'll think about it," said Courtney. A second later, she said: "Alright. I'll do it!" She wrapped her arms around Chris's neck and kissed him on the lips. Chris responded by wrapping his arms around Courtney's waist and inserted his tongue in her mouth. They pulled for oxygen and finished off their coitus in Chris's room. They took off their clothes and Courtney gave Chris a BJ while he laid on his bed. When she was done she climbed onto Chris's body and they swapped spit.

Sadly, this would have continued on for hours had Courtney not accidentally knocked Chris's toupee off of his scalp.

"MY HAIR!" shrieked Chris. "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

"Chris, it was an accident!" Courtney protested. "I'm terribly sorry! I didn't mean to knock it off your head! You can always put it back on and I don't mind that you're bald!"

"I DON'T CARE!" roared Chris, taking out a match and a stick of dynamite. "IT'S MY HAIR AND NOBODY DOES THAT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" He lit the stick of dynamite and threw it out the window. Than the whole island exploded, killing everyone that was on it.

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**Well that was a silly ending. But hey, I guess that's what happens when someone messes with Chris's hair, even if it was by accident. When I opened up the Microsoft Word document to write this story, I did not have most of what happened in this fic planned. I just came up with ideas as I typed and now here's the end result. Thank you for your advice, I'll Cover Angel and Collins. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**For those of you who found it disturbing, I'm sorry. But I like to write dark comedy stories. I have written some of them before, including a few that I have deleted. I do hope that nobody thinks I'm a troll for having Chris kill everyone at the end of the story. Anyway, I must go and read some stories that I have added to my favourites' list. See ya!**


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